So Far From Grace
by kate-dammit-run
Summary: A raid on a Sandstorm location goes terribly wrong, and Kurt blames himself. And when he disappears, the team panic to find him in time, before things get even worse.
1. Chapter 1

**So Far From Grace** [1 of 6]  
 **Summary:** A raid on a Sandstorm location goes terribly wrong, and Kurt blames himself. And then he disappears.

 _There's no one here except you and me_  
 _But you're so far away_  
 _And I don't recall this place where I somehow_  
 _Fell so far from grace_

\- The August Empire | _Hyperion Street_

* * *

They had no idea where he was. He was not picking up his phone, and once Patterson found it and tracked it back to his apartment, they found it tossed onto his bed, along with his badge, access card and side arm. But he was not there. There were no signs of foul play or a struggle, and one of his neighbors confirmed he'd seen him leave a few hours earlier. He left on his own, didn't seem to be in trouble, and there was no one with him.

They knew they shouldn't exactly start panicking yet - he was very much capable of taking care of himself - but still, after the day they'd had, something felt off.

He'd led a raid to a Sandstorm facility. Their intel was solid. They had surveillance footage and images that proved Shepherd and her people had been using this location for weeks. They had proof that Shepherd herself had arrived there earlier that morning. It was the most solid lead they'd ever gotten since the raid on the farmhouse. There were twenty four agents in the operation.

Only ten made it back to the office. And it was all on him.

They had arrived at the location to find no one and nothing. Patterson swore that no one had left since the last time they had eyes on the place. But the warehouse was empty. It looked like it had not been used not in hours, but in years. And as they stood there, staring around them in confusion, his phone rang.

He knew Shepherd would spare him. He was still crucial to her endgame after all. And so every other life that was lost, that was on him. And there were a lot of lives lost in the minutes that followed. It was an ambush worse than the one at the farmhouse, and with the phone pressed against his ear, Kurt Weller had to watch his agents go down, one after the other.

"Don't worry," Shepherd's voice came through the speaker on his phone, "I'll let you keep a few of them. I won't kill them all."

He wanted to move, to get him men and women out of harms way, but he couldn't.

"I'll spare her, too," Shepherd said, and Kurt looked towards Jane as she stood frozen in place, her vest covered in little red dots. Snipers. And the message was clear. Any move he made would send a shower of bullets in her direction.

"But just for now," Shepherd said, "I've seen the way you look at her. She might come in handy later."

"I'm glad to see that not everything I taught her has gone to waste. She can still wrap a man around her little finger with just one look," Shepherd taunted as another shooter took down another agent.

It was a game. And his hands were tied, forced just to watch.

And so there they were, almost three hours later, back at the NYO, but Kurt was no where to be found. It was chaotic, no one knew what they were supposed to do, especially about their missing assistant director.

Nas and Tasha took charge. They issued an APB, tasked what limited resources they had to try to track him down using street cameras, to question people around his neighborhood, do anything to try to find him. The only other option was that Shepherd had him. And they were not willing to accept that. Jane stood and watched as everyone scrambled, trying to figure out what to do and as everyone took the task they were handed and rushed to work. She watched them for a moment and then walked towards Tasha and Nas.

"I'm going to head out for a bit," she said and the two other women turned to her in shock. Now was not the time to take a walk.

"Where are you going?" Tasha asked.

Jane thought for a moment and then said, "I think I might know where he might be."

"Then tell us!" Nas said, "We'll send a team."

"No, I think I better go alone," Jane admitted.

Nas shook her head. "That's stupid," she said, "you're not going alone. At least not without back up."

"Look, Nas, I'm only telling you that I'm going so that you don't think you need to start looking for two people instead of just one. I'm going. Alone," she said adamantly.

"But what if you-"

"I'll be fine," Jane said. She grabbed her jacket off her chair, "I'll bring him back," she said over her shoulder as she walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

**So Far From Grace** [2/6]  
 **Summary:** A raid on a Sandstorm location goes wrong and Kurt blames himself

 _everyone gets a mean season once in a while_  
 _so when the rain comes a little too late_  
 _don't say it's over it's only October_  
 _and when the pain gets a little too great_  
 _just open your eyes I'm right by your side_  
\- The August Empire | _October_

* * *

"You know, when people want to disappear, they usually go a little farther than just the park at the end of their street."

She had found him almost immediately, twenty minutes after leaving the office, at the park where he had once asked her to meet him. She'd walked quietly, carefully, and found him standing with his back to her, and the rest of the world, staring off into the sunset. If he had heard her approach, he made no move to acknowledge it. But when she spoke, she noticed him shift slightly.

She didn't say anything else, waiting for him to make the next move. She just stood there, a few feet behind him, and waited.

"How did you find me?" He finally said, turning around slowly. There wasn't any anger in his voice, or any annoyance. There was just… exhaustion. She gave him a small smile and took a step towards him. She shrugged. "Lucky guess, I suppose," she said.

But it wasn't, of course. She knew him. And she knew he would be exactly here.

He gave her a short nod in return and went to sit down on the edge of the bench. She hesitated for a moment before joining him, taking a seat on the opposite side of the bench.

"Everyone's looking for you, Kurt," she said.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I shouldn't have just… I'm wasting resour-"

She shook her head. "Don't say that," she said quietly, "but we should get back to the office."

He was silent for a long moment, staring ahead of him at nothing in particular.

"I can't," he then said plainly.

"What do you mean you can't?" She wondered.

He looked at her then, and his face was that of a broken a man, a lost man, someone who had lost all hope. "I failed them, Jane. I failed everyone. It's my fault all these agents are dead. It's my fault Shepherd gets to go around killing innocent people and doing whatever she wants," he admitted brokenly, and she stared at him in shock. "There is no way we can take Shepherd down if I'm still in the picture."

* * *

"Have you seen Nas?" Tasha asked Agent Rose who stood hovering over another agent's computer.

"Conference room," Rose said.

Tasha walked in, barged in actually, "did you send two agents to tail Jane?" She all but barked at the NSA woman.

Nas looked up, silently signaling to the agent with her in the room to leave. "Yes, I did," Nas admitted.

"I thought we agreed to let Jane go alone and find him," Tasha said.

"We agreed to no such thing," Nas countered, "I sent them to just tail her and update me in case anything happens. They won't interfere."

Tasha gave her a cold smile. "No, they won't," she said, "because I called them off. They're on their way back now."

"Why would you do that?" Nas asked angrily.

"You've been here long enough to know that what you did was probably the dumbest thing to do. As much as I hate it, those two have something between them, and even after all that has happened," Tasha pursed her lips before she continued, "even after everything, it's still there. And we all know not to stand in its way. It's time you figured that out too."

Tasha gave the other woman no chance to reply. She just turned around and left the room.

* * *

A heavy silence had fell on both Kurt and Jane after his admission. She wasn't sure she wanted him to elaborate on that last thought, and neither was he ready to do so. And as the darkness fell around them, and as the silence dragged longer, Jane felt she needed to do something, say something, because she realized they weren't going back any time soon.

But the words that left her were the last thing she'd ever thought she would ever bring up.

"I wish I'd come here that night," she admitted unconsciously, "instead of going to meet with Oscar."

He'd be lying if he said he didn't think of that night often. He did, very much so, all the time. He knew it was wrong to do so, and it had happened more after she came back and he knew what she had been going through, but he did consider the what if's. What if she had come to the park? What if he hadn't left her to walk back alone after the kiss? What if… The possibilities were endless, and they all took him to places that were so different from where they found themselves after his father died.

"Everything would have been so different," Jane whispered.

He turned to look at her, but it was her turn to just stare ahead. He wanted to say something, but he felt the same way. Everything would have been so different.

"Mayfair would still be alive," she said, her voice cracking. She missed her. They both did, even if they never spoke of it. Jane took a deep breath and turned to look at him. "Mayfair would have been proud of you," she told him. And when he opened his mouth to protest, she cut him off. "She would have been. And she would want you to stay in the picture, to still lead the lines. She would trust you to bring Shepherd down."

* * *

Patterson came rushing out of her lab into the bull pen. The NYO was still full, despite the late hour, all focused and determined on finding their boss. "Tasha!" Patterson called out into the chaos when she didn't find her friend, "Tasha! Nas!"

The two other agents rushed towards her. "You got anything?"

Patterson nodded. "A text from Jane," she confirmed, "she found him. He's ok."

"What did she say? Where is he? Are they coming in?" Nas inquired.

"I don't know," Patterson said, "she just said that she found him and he's ok."

"Track her phone," Nas said.

"No!" Tasha said, "come on, Nas. Let's just send everyone home. We're all exhausted and this day has been horrible. He's fine. He'll be back in tomorrow."

Nas looked between the two women for a moment before she gave them a conceding smile and nodded.

"Great," Tasha said, "come on. Let's grab a drink. First round's on me."

* * *

Kurt looked at Jane and let her words sink in. Ever since he had gotten the job, he had felt inadequate, unqualified, especially that he had to fill in the shoes of the great Bethany Mayfair, his mentor, and his leader for so long. And ever since he found out how he had been played by Sandstorm, and how for years they'd been pulling the strings on his life and career, he had been feeling more and more insecure in the job.

"It just feels like there's no stopping Shepherd. She's always at least one step ahead," Kurt said tiredly.

"I'm sorry," Jane said.

Kurt smiled at her apology. "It's not your fault, Jane," he reassured her.

"I am responsible for planning this as much as Shepherd is," she told him., "and ruining your life by dragging you into this."

"No, you're not. You are not responsible for this," he said adamantly.

"It is… It's Remi's, at least," she said.

"Well, if it makes any difference, I know for a fact Remi had nothing to do with it… with dragging me into this," Kurt told her, "Shepherd told me that part of the plan was her idea."

She smiled at that, even though it was clear it was a forced smile, and said, "Good. One less thing to feel guilty about."

Kurt turned around then. He was facing her for the first time since they'd sat down, and looked at her squarely. "You don't have anything to feel guilty about, Jane," he said confidently.

She appreciated his words, she really did, but she knew that was not right. She had a lot to feel guilty about, a lifetime as Remi was full of sins she had to carry around.

"She's not a separate person, Kurt. Even if I don't remember the things I did before, I still did them. I need to pay for them," she said.

He refused to accept that. "You've already have paid for them, Jane. And more," he said, "so much more. You don't owe anyone anything."

She only nodded at him then, letting his words sink in, and willing herself to believe them. Another silent fell between them, just for a moment before Jane spoke again.

"We can't let Shepherd get away with this," she said, "there has to be something we can do to stop her."

"There is," Kurt said, "we give her what she wants."

"What she wants? What do you mean?"

"There's one thing that Shepherd really wants, one thing she desperately needs to go ahead with her plan," Kurt said.

Jane knew what that was. Shepherd needed Kurt to join her.

"Let's give her what she wants," Kurt said.


	3. Chapter 3

**So Far From Grace** [3/6]  
 **Summary** : A raid on a Sandstorm location goes wrong and Kurt blames himself.

 _I could put on a good face_  
 _Like I'm having a great time_  
 _But I'm lost in the crowd I know it_  
 _My hearts breaking but I'll never show it_  
\- The August Empire | _There's A Rumor_

Jane and Kurt sat side by side at the cold metal table as they waited. They had stayed a little longer at the park the previous night as he explained to her what he had in mind, and unsurprisingly she offered to come with him this morning. He made a quick stop at the office, apologized to the team for his small disappearing act and then told them there was something he needed to follow up on, that he would explain later. He asked them to trust him.

The door behind them opened and Rich Dotcom walked in, led by a brute of a guard. Rich looked at his favorite couple with a smirk on his face, remaining quiet as the guard moved him towards the chair facing them. He sat him down and when he brought his shackled hands to the surface of the table, ready to cuff him to it, Kurt waved him off.

"No need for that," Kurt told the guard, thanking him as he walked out.

"Wow, Stubbles, I'm touched," Rich said.

"Let's call it a sign of good faith," Kurt replied.

Rich eyed him for a moment, and then he nodded. "So how are you two doing?" Rich quickly went into his typical Rich Dotcom mode. "Janie? All good? And how about you, my handsome husband? You doing well?"

"We need to talk," Jane said, ignoring his questions.

"At least pretend to care about how I'm doing. Actually, you don't need to pretend, I know that you two care," Rich said with a smirk, "your lips may not say it, but your actions do. You two love li'l old Rich."

"Any other time we'd love to do this… the fun back and forth. But not today," Kurt said.

"Oh crap, it must be really bad. Did Patty finally come out as the evil mastermind I know she is?" Rich joked.

"Rich!" both Jane and Kurt snapped at him, trying to get him to focus.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm focused. All yours. Literally," he winked at them.

Kurt turned to Jane, waiting for her nod of reassurance to go on. Going to Rich would always be a last resort for either of them, but they knew that in this situation, he was their only option. And despite his… well despite him, somehow they knew they could trust him with this. They had no other choice. So this had to work. Jane gave him a small smile and nodded.

"Just so we are clear, anything that will be discussed in this room is strictly confidential," Kurt said, a stern look on his face, making sure Rich understands the severity of the situation. "You breathe one word of it outside and you'll never step out of solitary for as long as you live."

Rich watched him for a moment. He knew Weller was a serious guy, but this was unlike anything he'd seen before, even for Kurt. He waited for a moment, waited that perhaps Weller would break, but he didn't.

"Jesus, Kurt, you're scaring me," Rich admitted.

"Good," Kurt said, "Shepherd," he added quickly, "what does that mean to you?"

The smirk on Rich's face dropped, and his face went white, for just a moment before the smirk returned. "Jeremiah 23:1. Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of My pasture!"

"Rich!"

"Abdullah ibn Umar reported: The Messenger of Allah said, "Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock."

"Rich!"

"We're not here for the religious quotes trivia hour," Jane said impatiently.

"We're not kidding," Kurt said, "we know you know who we're talking about."

Rich was silent for a moment. A long moment; probably the longest that Rich Dotcom had spent without talking, ever. And then his face dropped, covered wit ha seriousness they had never seen on Rich before. He looked between them, back and forth, genuinely worried.

"All I know is Shepherd is someone who you do not to piss off," he finally said and they both gave him an appreciative nod.

"Have you done business with Shepherd before?" Kurt asked him.

"No," Rich quickly replied, "I am not in the business of treason. Even I draw the line there."

"You kind of are," Jane replied, "hacking the WitSec-"

"Never went as far as participating in a terrorist take over," Rich interrupted her, the seriousness in his voice, and the look on his face telling her clearly that he was not joking.

"But you do know who she is," Kurt said.

Rich's eyes widened. "She? Shepherd is a she?" he said, "well that explains a lot."

"She's my mother," Jane admitted.

And if Rich's eyes had widened before, they threatened to pop out of his face at her confession. "Holy shit Janie," Rich mumbled, and then he moved forward in his seat, closer to Jane, "does Stubbles know?" he whispered.

They didn't give him too much information. They told him just enough for him to understand the current situation. Shepherd was indeed the head of a terrorist organization plotting against the United States, and Jane had defected a while back and was now working with the FBI to bring her down. Not the whole truth, but not a lie either.

"So? What do you need me for?" Rich asked.

"We need your help to send her a message," Kurt explained. "We need to tell her we're ready to give her what she wants."

"And what exactly does she want?" Rich asked them.

Kurt and Jane were both silent, unsure if they were ready to give him that information. But Rich wasn't to let that slide.

"You gotta give me something," he said.

"Me," Kurt said, "she wants me."

Rich smiled, a smirk returning to his face as he looked at Kurt. "Don't we all, munchkin," He teased. But when neither Kurt nor Jane broke the frown that was plastered on their faces, his smirk was lost. "Oh, you're serious," he said. "Are you sure, Kurt? I can help you escape. Disappear. Both of you," he said eagerly, "I can get you out of here, get you somewhere safe where she would never find you."

"We don't want that," Jane said.

"We want to fight this," Kurt added, "we want to stop her."

"Well, you're better people than I am," Rich said.

"I don't know Rich," Jane said, a smile returning to her lips briefly, "I think you're changing."

Rich shook his head, his face scrunching in disgust at her assumption. "Only for you two," he said, "don't go telling everyone now. I have a reputation to maintain. So now what?"

"We send a message to Shepherd," Kurt said, "I'm assuming you know a way or two."

"I might," Rich admitted, "what exactly will this message say?"

"The Prodigal Son is coming home."


	4. Chapter 4

**So Far From Grace** [4/6]

 **Summary** : A raid on a Sandstorm location goes wrong and Kurt blames himself

 _It's all that I have I won't let you down  
_ _I'll be with you at the speed of sound  
_ _Because I don't want to be the only one  
_ _just want you to be the only one  
_ \- The August Empire | _The Only One_

* * *

"As you can see, sir," Kurt looked Pellington straight in they eyes as he spoke to the director, "as per Dr. Sun's assessment, Roman's memory loss is far more severe than Jane's. It seems that prior to Jane's exposure to ZIP, Sandstorm had doctor's slowly been phasing the drug into her system, doing tests and prepping her body to accept it. Roman did not go through the same process and his body is reacting to it differently."

Kurt waited, looked for Pellington's reaction, and when the director nodded, he continued, "and it seems his situation is being made worse by the fact that his only memories are those of the tragic events of his childhood," Kurt said, "that is making it harder for him to accept what his body is going through, and his mind is rejecting to dig up any new memories, and it continues to fall back onto the training that Shepherd had put him through. He may never regain another single memory, but the anger and the trauma will just ignite his dangerous streaks of violence"

"So, what are you saying?" Pellington said.

"Dr. Sun's diagnosis was clear," Kurt said, "the only place that can help Roman at this point is a specialized facility. I just need your signature to authorize his transfer."

"That's it then?" Pellington said.

"Yes, sir," Kurt confirmed, "I'm sorry we couldn't get more out of him."

Pellington took the papers from Kurt and sat down. "And the other thing you wanted to discuss?" he said.

"It's about the FBI's collaboration with Zero Division," Kurt said.

"What about it?"

"The higher ups at the NSA, Agent Kamal's bosses who gave the green light for the collaboration, have called her back," Kurt said, "given the failure of the task force to bring Shepherd down given all the resources spent on it, they decided to put an end to it."

"We are not stopping now!" Pellington said angrily.

"Of course we are not, sir," Kurt said, "but we are going to have to do it without the help of the NSA."

"So much help they've been," Pellington mumbled, "anything else?"

"She's taking Jane with her," Kurt said.

"She's what?" Pellington asked.

"She still has a lot of intel on Sandstorm, a lot of intel from her informant, that needs going through and Jane has been helpful with that lately," Kurt explained, "so she asked to have Jane go with her just long enough to make sure they'd covered everything."

"Very well," Pellington mumbled, "anything else?"

"No, sir," Kurt confirmed.

* * *

"Zapata!" Kurt called out as he exited his office, and Tasha came over to meet him.

"What is it, boss?" she asked.

He handed her a file of paperwork. "This is the authorization to transfer the prisoner," he told her, "they're expecting you in three hours."

Tasha took the file form him and nodded. "Be careful," he said to her and left towards Patterson's lab.

"Patterson?" he said as he walked into the lab and she looked up from her tablet, "let's get coffee."

* * *

They sat at a small table in an unassuming coffee shop a few blocks away from their office. "How's you coffee?" Kurt asked.

"It's good," Patterson replied, then waited for him to explain the sudden unexpected coffee date with her boss. But he said nothing, just stared into his coffee, deep in thought.

"Kurt?" she asked, pulling his attention back to her, "what's going on?"

He looked up at her and smiled. "I need you to trust me right now," he said, "there are a few things I need you to do for me, but most importantly I need you to trust me. Can you do that?"

Patterson nodded, slightly taken back by his words, she said, "of course I trust you."

"Good," he said.

"What do you need me to do?"

"First I am going to need you to go to my place and scan it for everything," he said, "if there's a light bulb that's screwed in funny, I need you to throw it out and replace it."

"Ok," she said, "did something happen? Do you think Sandstorm have your place bugged?"

"I don't know," he said, "but I need you to make sure they're not."

"Of course," she agreed.

"And then, I need you to set up a new network in my place," he said, "a network so secure that no one can hack into. And by no one I mean a network people like you or Rich can't get into."

"Well, that's pretty tricky," she smiled, "I don't know about Rich, but I haven't met a network I haven't been able to hack," she said proudly.

And he smiled back at her. "I know," he said, "that's why I need you to be the one to do this."

"Kurt," Patterson said, her voice now full of concern again, "what's going on?"

Kurt smiled reassuringly, "nothing to worry about," he said, "we're about to make some big moves and we need to keep the circle small, to make sure nothing goes wrong, nothing is compromised."

Patterson nodded.

"Don't use a bureau car or a credit card, just in case," he said, "and here," she felt him hand her something under the table, "the keys to my apartment."

She took them from him and watched as he got up.

"I'll see you later," he said and quietly left the coffee shop.

* * *

Patterson was almost done setting up the network in Kurt's apartment when she heard someone at the door. She couldn't help her reflex, reaching immediately to place a hand on her side arm, and then breathing a sigh of relief when she saw Kurt open the door.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I should've called. Didn't mean to startle you."

"No, it's ok, it's just-"

She was cut off mid-sentence when she saw who it was who walked in after him. Rich Dotcom. He was dressed in regular clothes, not the orange jumpsuit she prefers to see him in, a pair of jeans, a shirt and a hoodie.

"What's he doing here?" she grumbled.

"Good to see you, too, Patty," Rich said as he walked in and fell on the couch, feeling more at home than he should be.

"Don't call me Patty."

"I'll explain everything when the others get here," Kurt said calmly, "are we all set here?"

"Almost," Patterson told him.

"Need any help?" Rich said from his spot on the couch, his feet now up o the coffee table and the TV remote in his hand, "I know you sometimes have trouble setting up the-"

"I don't need any help," Patterson said, "especially not from you. Please tell me Boston isn't coming, too?" she turned to Kurt, eyes pleading that he gives her the answer she needed.

"No," Kurt said, "he's not."

"Unfortunately, my Boston's specific skill set isn't needed today," Rich said, "and thanks to Stubbles here, he's all the way in California, working on his tan. Although to be honest, he doesn't tan well," Rich rambled on, "he just burns and turns into this ridiculous beet root red. It's actually pretty funny. You should see our pics from our vacation in Spain a few years ago."

As if on cue, the door bell rang and Kurt opened it to let in Jane and Nas, along with the boxes and boxes of Sandstorm intel.

"You guys got out ok?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah," Nas confirmed, "as far as everyone at the NYO is concerned, neither Jane or I are involved in the war against Sandstorm anymore."

"That's great," Kurt said.

"Kurt?" Jane's voice interrupted them, "can we-"

"Yeah, sure," he said and walked them over to a quieter part of the kitchen.

"What is it?"

"Any news on Roman?" She asked him, worry evident in her voice.

"I just talked to Tasha," Kurt told her, "everything is fine. I'm sorry you couldn't be the one to explain things to him."

"How did he take it?" She asked.

"He agrees it's the right thing to do."

* * *

Tasha had one stop she had to make before she reached their destination, and as the waited in the car, she looked at Roman in the back seat. "You know you can sit in front of you want," she said.

Roman shook his head. "It's fine," he said, "I don't mind the back seat."

He gave her and appreciative smile and looked out the window. He's only been out of his cell the few times he'd been allowed to join on missions so he took this chance to really enjoy this little form of freedom.

"We shouldn't be long now," Tasha said, sending his anxiety, "he just texted me. He's on his way down."

"Ok," was Roman's simple reply.

They sat in silence a few minutes longer until Tasha's phone beeped. She pulled it up and read the text. "Weller's ordering lunch and asking what we want," she said, "what's your preference?"

Roman shrugged "I don't know," he said.

"Apparently, they're going with Chinese," she offered more information when her phone beeped with another text.

And again he shrugged. "I honestly don't know," he said again, "just tell them to get me whatever you're getting."

* * *

They arrived at he same time as their lunch. Tasha paid the delivery man at the entrance of Kurt's building and they carried their food upstairs.

"Who's the eye candy?" Rich voiced loudly when Roman walked in behind Tasha, and the younger man looked at his in confusion and then turned to look behind him.

"Hate to break it you, pal," Reade spoke from behind him, "but I'm afraid he's talking to you."

"No, seriously, who are you?" Rich said again.

"Rich, this is Roman," Jane said as the last three members of the team walked in and closed the door behind them. "He's my brother."

Reade turned away from the conversation, and the strong of inappropriate comments that Rich was already throwing at them, and looked at Kurt who was standing in the kitchen. The assistant director cocked his head and signaled for the agent to join him.

"How are you feeling?" Kurt quickly asked the man he had not seen in almost two weeks.

"I'm good," Reade confirmed with a nod, "I'm clean and I feel great."

"I'm glad to hear that," Kurt said, "I talked to your doctors and they said you've been a model student."

Reade kept a stern look on his face and nodded. This was not an easy moment for him. When Kurt had found out about his drug use and suspended him, that was the most humiliating moment of his career.

"But how are you feeling?" Kurt asked again.

"I'm really really good," Reade said.

"Reade, if I'm gonna have you back on the team, I need to make sure you won't relapse," Kurt said bluntly, "you understanding what we're doing here, you understand the stakes."

Reade nodded, "I do," he confirmed, "I won't let you down, Kurt. I promise, I'll never let you down again."

Kurt smiled, "that's good to hear," he said, "now let's eat and go over this plan."

* * *

Kurt and Jane broke down the details of the plan, as well as Rich's role in all this, and it came as no surprise that they all pledged their participation. They understood the risks and what in entailed and what it could mean to their careers moving forward. No one had any arguments with what Kurt and Jane explained, except for Nas.

"It's too dangerous," she said, "I understand this entire year has been one dangerous mission after another against Shepherd, but this feels… it feels like a suicide mission, Kurt."

Kurt nodded. "I understand what you're saying, Nas," Kurt said, "but Shepherd has us in a corner, and as much as I hate it, she does have a point."

He looked around the room carefully before he said his next words. "At the end of the day, we want the same things as Shepherd. We are essentially fighting the same war, and while we continue to fight each other, then those we are supposed to be fighting continue to get more powerful and more corrupt. She was right," he sighed, "but we just need to find a way in which we are fighting together but not on her terms."

He didn't wait for anyone else to say anything before he turned to Rich. "Are we ready?" he asked him and Rich just nodded solemnly, "Ok, then. Send the message."

Kurt looked around the room one more time before he got up. He grabbed the containers of food from the table and headed towards the kitchen. While Rich moved towards one of the many computers that Patterson had set up, followed by Nas, Reade and Tasha, Patterson opted to follow Kurt into the kitchen with the rest of the containers.

"Do we really not have any other choice?" she asked quietly as she helped him put the left over food into tupperwares and into the fridge.

"At this point, no, we don't," Kurt admitted. He turned to look at her as she nodded quietly and looked down. "Hey," he whispered gently, "what is it?"

"I"m not going to lie, Kurt," Patterson admitted, "I'm terrified. I know what Shepherd is capable of. I know what she can do. And it's… it's unimaginable. The thought of-"

"Hey," he whispered, his hand coming to rest on her shoulder, "I know… what you went through was… it was horrible. And the reason I'm doing this is that you will never ever have to go through anything remotely like that again."

She looked up at him, grateful for his words. "But what if-"

"There's no what if," he said confidently, "I trust you guys. We can do this, ok?"

She was silent for a moment and then finally nodded. "Good," he said, "let's join the others before Rich ends up hiring strippers for the evening."

They went back to join the team just in time to watch as Rich sent the message out to Shepherd.

"Now what?" Tasha asked.

"Now we wait to hear back," Rich told her.

"Wouldn't she know you're working with us?" Tasha felt the need to ask.

"Isn't that the point?" Rich retorted.

"It doesn't matter," Kurt told them, "Excuse me," he said and left towards his bedroom.

* * *

The team let him be for about fifteen minutes before he needed to rejoin them. Jane found her way to his bedroom and found him on the phone. She stood outside the room and waited for him to finish.

"Next time I see you, I'm getting my revenge," she heard Kurt say, a wide smile on his face, obviously speaking to Sawyer. "It'll be the worlds most epic uno challenge. And this time I won't let you win," Kurt said and laughed at something Sawyer said. "That sounds great, buddy. Will you put your mom back on, please?"

"Don't let him grow up too fast," Kurt said, his voice suddenly thick with emotions.

"I'm trying," Sarah replied, "but there's just so much I can do. You think I should stop feeding him?"

"If it your cooking, then yes," Kurt joked, "spare the poor child!"

"Ha-ha. Very funny, Kurt," Sarah said and Kurt only chuckled lightly in return. "Kurt. Are you sure everything's ok?" Sarah then asked, sensing the heaviness behind her brother's words.

"Everything's fine," Kurt reassured her, "it's just a while since I talked to you guys. It's been a bit hectic."

"Yeah, we've missed you, too," Sarah said.

"Alright then," Kurt replied, "I won't keep you long. I'll talk to you soon, ok?"

"Ok," Sarah said, "talk to you soon."

"Kurt, when you're ready… Rich has something," Jane's voice came through the front door, soft and understanding.

Kurt looked up, the phone still held tightly in his hands. "Ok," he said, making no move to get up.

"Take your time," Jane told him and turned around to leave.

"Jane," he voice calling after her made her stop and turn around. "Stay? Please? Just for a moment."

She nodded and move back to the doorway, and then she just stood her. He looked up at her and smiled, and then he shifted, just slightly, silently asking her to join him on the edge of the bed. She walked carefully through his bedroom and sat down. She watched him stare at his phone for a moment before dialing a number.

"Hi, Allie," he said gently, "how are my girls?"

Jane couldn't hear Allie's reply, but she did hear Kurt laugh softly and then say, "hey! don't call my daughter fat!"

She overheard Allie's laughter through his phone, but she couldn't hear what she said next. But she must have asked him something because she could feel Kurt tense up next to her. "And the doctor said everything's fine? You're sure?"

Jane turned to look at Kurt, worry evident in her eyes. He gave her a small smile and shook his head.

"Listen, Allie," he said, "there's something I need to tell you."

And with that he turned to look at Jane again, just for a moment, before his hand blindly reached for hers and his fingers curled around it. Her gaze fell onto their joined hands, his voice fading in the background as he spoke to Allie. And she felt him squeeze her hand as he tried to explain to Allie that, even though he couldn't tell her what was happening, he needed her to know that he wouldn't be risking his life if it wasn't his last choice, and that he would do everything he could to not miss the birth of their daughter.

* * *

They spent the next few hours messaging with Shepherd, back and forth, until the details were agreed on. Or at least, until Kurt agreed. The rest of the team were still very anxious.

"I don't like this," Tasha said, "No back up. No weapons. No tracking device… I don't like it at all."

"She has to believe I am joining her," Kurt said, "and she won't believe that if I show up as the assistant director of the FBI."

"She's good," Nas said, "The only way she'll believe it is if you believe it. Otherwise, she'll call your bluff."

Kurt nodded. He knew exactly what he was walking into. He knew exactly what he was doing, even if his team didn't just yet.

"Not if there's no bluff for her to call."


	5. Chapter 5

**So Far From Grace** [5/6]  
 **Summary:** A raid on a Sandstorm location goes wrong and Kurt blames himself

 _I'm gonna walk in the sun tomorrow_  
 _I'm gonna get rid of all my sorrow_  
 _It's been a long way down to my desires_  
 _When I fall from grace I fall into your fires_  
 _I went walking in the sun today_  
 _Swore to God I'll never get away_  
\- The August Empire | _Walking in the Sun_

Kurt shoved his hands deeper into his coat pockets. Clearfield mornings in winter had always been brutally cold, but he had a feeling the shiver that ran down his spine that morning had little to do with the cold weather. His eyes were fixed on the headstone in front of him. He had not visited the cemetery in over a year, not since Emma's funeral when he'd stood in that same spot for hours after everyone else had left.

He's been furious when Jane had finally told him the truth that Emma's death had not been an accident. It had all been orchestrated by Shepherd and executed by Roman. He's wanted to blame Roman, to lash out on him and express all his anger at the younger man. But he knew he couldn't blame the Roman he knew now for the actions of the man he was before; just as he couldn't blame Jane for Remi's actions.

No, he convinced himself that was all on Shepherd. It was all part of her sick plan, all part of her lifelong mission to control his life and manipulate him.

He was lost in his thoughts when he heard footsteps come up behind him.

"I've been waiting for this day for a very very long time," Shepherd said before he had even turned around to face her.

* * *

 _12 Hours Earlier_

"Alright guys," Kurt said as he got up and stretched his arms, "I think there's not much to do tonight. Go home, and we'll meet up here at six tomorrow morning."

The team gathered their things and called it a night. It was agreed that Roman would stay with Kurt, as would Rich. It was dangerous to have Roman out in the streets when he was supposed to be locked up in some facility upstate. And the same went for Rich. And it was silently agreed that Jane would stay with them as well, if not for anything except the very high possibility either Roman, Kurt or both of them would kill Rich who had not relented with his comments.

Kurt helped Jane and Roman set up in the second spare bedroom with the two beds, providing bed sheets, blankets and pillows.

"I understand if you don't have a full suite for me, Stubbles," Rich said. He was standing in the corridor, watching the other three set up the room. "But just you know, I would not mind sharing your bed with you," he added, "and fyi, I'm a cuddler."

Kurt turned to him and rolled his eyes. "There's a sleeping bag in the closet in the empty nu- bedroom down the hall," Kurt sighed, "it's all yours."

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by your harsh words," Rich mumbled as he walked down the hall, "after everything we've been through… You'd think you'd want to spend your last night with your husband, Kurt shook his head and leaned back against the wall. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back. "He just doesn't know where or when to draw the line, does he?" Jane said softly as she exited the room and came to stand next to him, her back against the wall as well.

"No, no he doesn't," Kurt agreed, "you guys all set?"

"Yeah," Jane told him with an appreciative smile, "Roman's already fast asleep. I think he finds these accommodations slightly more comfortable than Zero Division."

* * *

 _Six Hours Earlier_

Kurt stared at the bright light of the muted TV as he mindlessly switched from channel to channel. Everything around him was pitch black except for the TV. Everything was eerily quiet. But still he could not sleep, and so he had found himself wandering around his apartment at 3am and ending up in the living room in front of the TV. He thought about the other occupants of the apartment. It was probably the most people he's ever had spend the night, and still, somehow, he felt desperately alone.

"I know for a fact there is nothing good on TV at 3am," Jane's voice was soft, but still, Kurt jumped back a little before he relaxed and turned around to look at her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "didn't mean to scare you. He shook his head and watched her walk over, realizing that he was seeing her in her pajamas for the first time and there was something strange about that. "Can't sleep?" she asked as she came to stand by the side of the couch.

"No," he whispered, "not really."

She just nodded and turned around to come sit next to him on the couch. They didn't say anything of the longest time, just stared at the TV as a rerun of some old sitcom played silently.

"I'm scared," Kurt finally said, his voice so soft, Jane thought she'd imagined it.

She turned around slightly in her seat to face him, her knee bumping into his thigh. She opened her mouth to say something, but she could think of nothing. The only thing she could think to do was to wrap her arms around his shoulders. And so she did just that.

As her arms go around his shoulders, she turns her face away from him, resting her cheek against his shoulder. She feels him stiffen under her touch for a moment, before relaxes. A moment later, his hands come up, one landing on her arm, the other on the back of her head, fingers in her hair. It's an awkward position for both of them, but it gives them just what they need. They sit like that for a few minutes, she squeezes him tighter as his fingers brush gently against the skin of her arm and in her hair.

"You're not alone," she whispers softly, "you're not alone."

* * *

"Why did Emma have to die?"

Those were not the first words Shepherd expected to hear from Kurt when she walked up to him. "You have to understand, Kurt, I could not leave anything to chance," she said, "Emma Shaw would have exposed Remi almost immediately. She was a sacrifice that had to be made."

"But did you have to kill her?" He asked again.

"What would you have had me do?" Shepherd asked.

"I'm sure you could have thought of something," he replied.

"Our cause is a time sensitive one," she said, "we didn't have time to waste coming with something special just for Emma Shaw."

"What about my father?" Kurt asked, "were you not worried he would expose you as well? Or did you now know that he had killed Taylor that night?"

Shepherd shifted uncomfortably, just for a brief moment. This was not how she wanted this meeting to go. "We will talk about your father later," she said.

"No," Kurt said defiantly, "I want to talk about him now."

"Do you really wan to waste our time talking about that man?" Shepherd said angrily, "we have more important things to do."

Kurt said nothing. He just stood his ground and stared back at her. "I see you managed to follow my orders," Shepherd said smugly, "there is no back up anywhere in sight."

"That was the agreement," Kurt said, "I wasn't going to risk anyone else by breaking it."

Shepherd smiled and cocked her head at him. "Enough people have died. If you know anything about me like you claim you do, then you know I'm not in the habit of endangering the lives of innocent people," Kurt added.

"These people you talk about are not any innocent people. They're are soldiers," Shepherd said, "they know what they signed up for."

"They didn't sign up for this," Kurt replied, "to being played with like pawns in some sick mind game."

Shepherd just smiled and shook her head. "You don't mind if I have some of my men scan you for any tracking or hearing devices, right?" she asked, "after all, I can't have the whole FBI listening in to our conversation."

"This isn't a trap," Kurt reminded her as he put his arms up for the two men who approached him, "I'm here because I want to end this between us and we can do what we both know is the right thing to do. The inevitable."

"Good," she said when the two men turned to confirm he was clean, "then let's go talk somewhere private… and less creepy."

* * *

 _Three Hours Earlier_

Kurt sat down on the stool and rolled up his sleeve.

"Are you sure about this?" Nas asked him, holding the syringe in her hand.

"It's the only thing that she cannot detect, right?" Kurt asked her, "no matter what she does, there is no way she can find it?"

"Well, unless she runs a blood test," Nas told him, "and finds traces of the isotope, manages to reverse its chemistry and figure out what it's supposed to do."

"Well, then, let's hope she doesn't do that," Kurt replied.

"It does have some side effects," Nas added, "they're not too horrible but… Kurt, I've only used this once before on Rich, and we gave it to him diluted in water, not like this."

"But in that case it would only stay in my system for a few days, right?" Kurt asked and Nas nodded, "we cannot afford that."

* * *

Somehow in the last few hours, Kurt's apartment had been transformed to look more like Patterson's lab at the NYO than an apartment. The small network she had et up the day before had expanded, and it was now unofficially the team's new headquarters for the war against Sandstorm.

"They're leaving the cemetery," Patterson said when the red dot on the map finally started moving after almost an hour of being in the same spot.

The team gathered around, silently watching the red dot travel on the map, for almost forty five minutes, no one said a word. And then it stopped moving. "Why's they stop?" Reade asked.

"They probably reached their destination?" Tasha replied.

"Or Stubbles really need to pee?" That comment was of course Rich.

"What's at that location?" Nas asked, ignoring him completely.

"It's an estate… a large one…" Patterson said as she started pulling up satellite images of their new location.

"It wasn't one of the properties belonging to Shepherd that we found, right?" Jane asked.

"No, it's not," Nas confirmed, "who own this property?"

"Hang on…" both Patterson and Rich said, the two finding themselves in a race to identify the owners first.

"Got it!"

"Who is it?"

"Alice and Ian Kruger."

"Jane? Roman?" Tasha asked, "you guys own this place?"

"It looks like it," Jane said as the rest of the team moved aside for them to look closely at the pictures. "I recognize it," Roman then said quietly.

"You do?" Jane asked.

"It's where we grew up."

* * *

Shepherd's driver brought the car to a stop in front of a huge estate after a few minutes of driving on what Kurt felt was an abandoned road. but it made sense, after all, that Shepherd's head quarter would be located in such a remote and seemingly abandoned location.

They stepped out of the car, and then the two of them started walking. Shepherd led the way, and while Kurt assumed they were heading towards what looked like the main house on the grounds, they actually ended up next to a fallen tree. Shepherd sat on the stump and Kurt took her lead, sitting down on the fallen branch.

"So, you called for this meeting," Shepherd said, "what do you want to talk about?"

Kurt was silent for a very long time. He had practiced this over and over and over again in the last seventy two hours. He had to get it right. He had only this one chance. If he blew it, he knew for sure that Shepherd would have him killed, especially now that she brought him here.

"You're right," Kurt finally said, "there's corruption. Everywhere. And yes, there are people who need to be stopped.

The smile that drew on her face was the widest she had ever smiled. "The whole system is corrupt, Kurt," she said confidently.

He shook his head, a confident smile on his lips. "A system cannot be corrupt . It's just how the people in power use the power that they have. The problem isn't with the system. The same system can be used for good or evil. We just need the right people, good people, in the right places, and they will know how to make sure no one abuses the system," he said.

She smiled again.

"But I cannot agree with your methods," he said. "We should stop these people, but what you're doing, what you're planning… won't that make us as bad as the people we want to bring down?"

"Sometimes a few people have to die, sacrifices have to be made-"

"Enough people have died and enough sacrifices have been made," he told her, "but if we work from the inside, silently, steadily and carefully, we can bring them all down and make things right again. These are my terms."

Shepherd looked at him, the smile on her lips widening. "You know," she said, "when I met you all those years ago, I saw something in you, something I had not seen in anyone before. I knew someday you'll grow into it and understand how much you are capable of."

"Come on. I need to show you something."

* * *

"Are you sure?" Tasha asked Roman.

"Yeah," Roman nodded, "yes, I'm sure. This is the house we get up in." He turned to Jane, his eyes begging her to remember as well.

"What do you remember?" Nas asked him calmly.

"It's… It isn't just a house," Roman said, "it's a fortress."

"Fortress," Jane whispered, "I… I remember…" she said.

"That's what we used to call it," Roman turned to her and smiled. She smiled back at him.

"So we know where it is," Nas said, "let's plan how we take it down."

"Wait," Jane said, "there's…"

"The tunnels," Roman said.

"What tunnels?" Reade asked.

"Shepherd was pretty strict, as you can imagine," Jane said, "so we had to devise a way to sneak out without getting caught when we were kids."

"Go, Janie!" Rich said, "sneaking out to hook up with boys?"

"How are we going to-"

"I need a pen and paper," Roman said.

The team gathered around Roman as he started sketching. He drew the plan of the house and then started mapping out another layer. The tunnels.

"Hold on," Patterson said, turning around to stand closer to Roman, "this looks familiar."

"Yes, it does," Jane agreed, and at the same time, Patterson turned to her computer as Jane rolled up one of her sleeves.

On her screen, Patterson pulled up a number of image files, pictures of different tattoos over Jane's body. At the same time, Jane pointed to some tattoos on her arm. "Are you thinking…" Jane asked.

"I think so," Patterson said as she entered a few commands on her computer. A few seconds later, the images were rearranged and brought together. It was a plan of the estate and the tunnels, an exact replica of what Roman had just sketched.

"It's on my body," Jane said, "why would it be on my body?"

Roman walked towards her. "I put them there," he whispered, "fragmented it and hid it in another tattoos."

"Why?" Jane whispered.

"I was hoping you'd want to come back home some day," he said, "I thought this would help."

* * *

Kurt walked into the house behind Shepherd. He almost froze in place, looking around him. The house was curiously normal. It looked like any regular family home; warm and cozy. It was a regular family home. It could have belonged to anyone, and just the fact that it belonged to a terrorist plotting to burn the country made it so much more unsettling.

"This is your home," Kurt said.

"That it is," Shepherd confirmed.

"This is where Jane and Roman grew up," Kurt said.

"This is where Remi and Roman grew up," Shepherd corrected him.

He turned towards her then, peeling his eyes away from the modestly decorated family home. "How could you do it?" he asked her.

"Do what?" Shepherd wondered.

"How could you sacrifice your daughter like that? Erase her memory, shove her into a bag and leave her in the middle of Times Square?" he asked.

"You think I'm heartless, don't you?" she said, "that I would just -"

Shepherd closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "You do not know the things that Remi had to live through. It was her idea," she told him, "she wanted to do it and there was no talking her out of it."

She gave Kurt one last look before she turned around. "I'm assuming Jane is still as stubborn?"

* * *

 _Four Hours Earlier_

"Two hours of sleep is not nearly enough," Jane said as he handed her a cup of coffee.

He chuckled lightly and nodded. "Roman and Rich up yet?" He asked her.

"Yeah," Roman's right behind me, "and Rich… he's taking a bath," she laughed.

"Oh, God," Kurt rolled his eyes, "remind me if I ever get back from this to have the whole bathroom remodeled."

He said it as a joke, but Jane didn't take it well.

"Don't say that," she said, her voice cracking.

He put his cup down and looked at her, their gazes locking, a sad glint in their eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "but Jane-"

"I know," she said sadly, "but please don't say it."

He came around the kitchen counter to stand in front of her. "You're coming back," she said defiantly.

He nodded and she walked closer to him, until there were barely a few inches between them. She leaned forward, allowing her forehead to fall on his chest for just a moment. "You're coming back home."

* * *

"This is my favorite room of the house," Shepherd said as she led him towards a room at the end of a hallway.

She opened the door and let him in. Kurt stood in front of the first wall to his right, eyes wide in shock. While most parents collected and put up pictures of their children in adorable situation, cure family pictures, graduations, proms, etc… Shepherd had something else.

On one wall, with the name "Remi" printed on top, were pictures of her in training, records and reports of her military development. Across from it, on a wall headlined "Roman", she had the same for the young man; from when he was a little boy until adulthood. Just another unsettling thing about this house. They were never children for her. There were soldiers. And this room was proof of that. She was building and keeping track of soldiers and not raising children.

And then Kurt turned to the last wall in the room, the farthest from the door. He read the name on top and gasped.

"Don't you see, Kurt," Shepherd said, ignoring the shock on Kurt's face as it turned ghost white, "this has always been your home, too. You've always been part of this family."


	6. Chapter 6

**So Far From Grace** [6/6]  
 **Summary** : A raid on a Sandstorm location goes wrong and Kurt blames himself

 _Waited a thousand years_  
 _I'll wait a thousand more_  
 _Come to my rescue baby_  
 _Only your love can save me_  
 _You're all I need it's true_  
\- The August Empire | _True_

* * *

"Why did you do this?" Kurt said, "you adopted Ian and Alice… you could've given them a normal life. Why put them through this?"

He could not stop looking at the walls; as sick as it made him feel, he still had a million questions he wanted to ask.

"I didn't put them through anything," Shepherd replied, "I gave them a life."

"That is no life," Kurt said disgustedly, "especially not one for children who had gone through what they had gone through."

"It was the only life they could've had," Shepherd said, "you don't know what would have happened to them if any of the other agents had taken them into their programs."

"Other agents? Programs?" Kurt asked, "I thought you were one of the soldiers who rescued them? That you adopted them?"

"There's so much we need to talk about, Kurt," Shepherd said, a cold smile spreading across her face.

"Then talk," Kurt said.

Shepherd nodded, and then slowly, she walked over towards the small balcony that opened up from the room. She stepped outside, and Kurt followed her.

"I think it's time you learn about the Truman Protocol."

* * *

Reade and Patterson were the only two agents who could go back to the NYO without raising any questions. Tasha was supposed to have delivered Roman to a facility he never showed up to, and Jane and Nas technically no longer worked there. And yet, they did not know who to trust. No one could know they were raiding Shepherd's house because they did not know where a leak could come from. And if Shepherd knew what they were up to, she would have time to get away. And she would kill Kurt.

The plan had to be bullet proof and top secret.

Patterson would pretend to crack a tattoo case and Reade would assemble the team, without disclosing their actual destination. Read and Patterson would lead the team to the location, but they will not raid it until the others find their way into the Fortress. Jane, Roman, Nas and Tasha would access the location through the tunnels and ambush Shepherd. And Rich would stay put at Kurt's apartment and run point from there. There was a general consensus that he was a flight risk, but Nas found a solution to that. First, he was now wearing a brand new ankle monitor that would blow his foot off if he went out of the apartment. And if he tried to hack that, his system was flooded with the tracking isotope.

Rich and Patterson had hacked into the Fortress's surveillance feeds and a few hours later, after they'd assessed the situation and put down their plan, they were ready to go.

Patterson and Reade went back to the office, while the others headed towards a storage unit that Nas owned that she promised would easily arm them with everything they needed.

* * *

"What's the Truman Protocol?" Kurt asked her impatiently.

"Well, Kurt," Shepherd said calmly, "The Truman Protocol is the single most well kept secret of the US government. It is also its greatest military and political achievement to date."

"It is an insurance policy, of sorts," Shepherd explained, "the system that holds the system, makes sure it stays in place."

"I don't understand," Kurt said.

"Of course you don't," Shepherd replied, "because I haven't essentially said anything."

Kurt shook her head. "You do realize that if the people behind the Protocol ever find out this conversation ever took place we'd both disappear off the face of the Earth. And not just disappear. they would make it as though we never even existed. After all, you and I, we're just small pieces of a much much bigger puzzle. And who will notice if a few pieces go missing? Especially when there's always replacement pieces ready to take our places at any time?"

"What are you saying?" Kurt said.

"You were angry when you found out I'd been paying your school tuition, weren't you? When you realized your entire life had been controlled and orchestrated by someone else, right?" Shepherd asked him, her tone still calm and relaxed.

Kurt nodded. "Well, prepare to be enraged when I tell you that I was just following orders," Shepherd said.

"You see, I'm just like you," she explained, "a humble servant of a greater system. As were Remi and Roman. The only difference is, I knew that. I signed up for the assignment. You three did not."

"What are you saying? What's the Truman Protocol?" Kurt asked, "what does it have to do with me? With Jane and Roman?"

"The people behind the Truman Protocol believed that the country needed many lines of defense," she said, "many different ways to ensure its safety, maintain its power and sustain its existence. And they believed that the final line of defense needs to be invisible, unknown, even to those who are chosen to be that line of defense."

"And we're-"

"It needed people who were trained soldiers, more skilled and more deadly than any other soldier in the world. It needed scientists who were smarter than anyone else in the world. It needed diplomats and writers and artists, all of whom needed to possess skills and talents that were unmatched by anyone any where in the whole world," she explained, "Remi and Roman? They were the ultimate specimens of soldiers. We searched the whole world to find them. The criteria and the standards were set so high, and when I met them in South Africa… I knew they'd be the ones."

"Are they the only ones?" Kurt asked.

"Oh no," Shepherd replied, "not at all. There were so many before and have been so many more since. You see, I'm a training agent. It was my job to identify at least five potential candidates, children, and train them. But I am just one of many other agents."

"What happened to the others?" Kurt asked.

"Others?"

"You said five candidates?" Kurt asked.

"Oh, the other two are… well, they're dead," she said, "I believe one of them spent some time in your FBI morgue. You remember Markos, right?"

Kurt nodded.

"There have been many success stories over the years," Shepherd said, "a lot of candidates have been placed in important positions, just where they need to be, doing the jobs they need to be doing."

"The system works, Kurt," she said, "it really does."

"But you three," Shepherd sighed proudly, "you three are the greatest achievements the Protocol has ever seen. You're the stars."

"If you think it's such a great thing, then why are you doing this? Why are you trying to bring the country down?" Kurt asked.

"Oh, you think I've gone rogue? That I'm going against the Protocol?" Shepherd said, a menacing smirk on her lips, "no, no, no. Kurt, don't you see? This is all part of the Protocol. I'm still a loyal agent. I'm just following orders."

"You mean… you're saying the government is orchestrating a terrorist attack against itself?"

"Well, yes and no," Shepherd said, "The Truman Protocol is the government, but it's also not exactly the government. Do you know what I mean?"

Kurt shook his head. "No, not really," he said.

"Every experiment needs to be tested," Shepherd said, "you are the experiment. Well, we are. Each agent gets to a point where theie candidates are put to the final test. This is your final test. If you succeed, then my work would be done. And the protocol would be put into action. All this… all of it has been in the making for the past thirty years. And we're all just playing our parts."

* * *

Jane stood in the middle of the storage unit. Nas wasn't kidding when she said she had all they needed. The place put the NYO armory to shame. She was loading her vest when Roman came to stand by her; all geared up and ready to go.

"You ok?" She asked him gently.

Roman just nodded. She knew it was a stupid question. She knew exactly how he was feeling because she was feeling the same way, and it was not at all ok. It was very far from ok. And while she had had a longer time to come to terms with how she felt about Shepherd, and she had spent countless nights imagining how this could go down, she could still feel a heaviness in the pit of her stomach.

And she was still living with the lie that she'd told Roman; that it was Shepherd who had wiped his memory.

"We stay together when we get there," she told him, "we stay together and we will get through it together."

Roman nodded. "I know it's not going to be easy," she said, "and there could be a lot there to trigger memories, for the both of us, so we need to lean on each other, we need to watch out for each other and have each others' backs."

Roman nodded again. "We can do this," he said, "together."

And then he reached for her, pulling her closer, he hugged her.

"We can do this," she whispered to him again.

"And we're going to get Weller back," he said.

She pulled back and looked at him. "He's a really good guy," Roman said, "and I think I kinda like him."

Jane shook her head and chuckled, remembering Kurt's almost identical confession from a few weeks back.

"Oh, yeah?" she teased, "you like him?"

Roman shrugged. "It's not like I know that many people, in the world," he told her, "but don't worry. He's not my type," he smiled at her, "and I won't get in your way. I mean, I don't like him the same way you like him."

She shook her head and elbowed him in the ribs. "Come on," she said, "Nas and Tasha are waiting."

* * *

"You should have seen Remi before the memory wipe," Shepherd said, "she was something else."

Shepherd had decided they should get something to eat. She was uncomfortably calm about this whole thing, and with Kurt left trying to wrap his mind around everything she'd told him, he just found himself sitting at a dining table having grilled cheese sandwiches and a coffee.

Kurt looked up from the sandwich he'd been staring at without actually eating. "She still is," he told her.

Shepherd shook her head and took a sip from her coffee, "not really," she said, "Remi was… phenomenal."

"I'm pretty sure I still like Jane more," Kurt replied.

"Like?" Shepherd said with a raised eyebrow, "I think you're lying to yourself, Kurt. What you feel for Jane is a little bit more than like. Admit it."

Kurt looked back down at his sandwich. "It doesn't really matter anymore. Does it?" he said.

"It most certainly does," Shepherd argued.

"No, it doesn't," Kurt said, "we are way beyond the point where it would make any difference."

Shepherd watched him for a moment, an amused grin on her face. "Wouldn't you at least admit it?" she asked.

But Kurt said nothing, just continued to stare at the sandwich in his plate.

"Just say it Kurt," she said, "if it doesn't make a difference either way, then just say it. It's only three words."

"Why?"

"I just want to hear you say it," Shepherd said, "and I think it would do you really well to hear yourself say it. I have a feeling you won't even let yourself admit it to yourself. Am I right?"

Kurt shook his head. He looked up at her and laughed. This day was just getting weirder and weirder.

"I love her," he said, his voice barely a whisper, "I love Jane."

"Good."

* * *

It was almost twelve hours after he'd met Shepherd at the cemetery when Kurt heard the first gun shot.

And then, all hell broke loose. The first of them came from inside the house, or so he heard one of Shepherd's men say, and then before they knew it, the house was surrounded. And the FBI raid on Sandstorm was in full effect."

It took twenty minutes for the first agent to declare the first "All clear!"

"Two down."

"Three down here."

"Basement is clear."

And one by one, the Sandstorm operatives either fell, or were arrested and dragged out.

And then, Nas spoke into her comms. "Anyone got Shepherd?"

"Not here."

"Not here."

"Not here."

And then, Patterson said, "Where's Weller?"

"Anyone got Weller?"

"No one's seen neither Shepherd nor Weller!"

"Rich! Help us out here!" Tasha said, talking to the hacker who was still back in New York.

"On it," Rich said, "just give me a minute."

"We don't have a minute!" Tasha yelled through her comms, "Shepherd is missing and so is Kurt."

"Ok, ok!" Rich said, "I don't have Shepherd, but I have Kurt moving very very quickly three kilometers north west of the Fortress. Jane, you're closest!"

"We're on our way!"

"Quickly, Jane!" Rich said, "bring him back!"

* * *

 _Eight Hours Earlier_

"Jane," Rich turned to her, for the first time ever, his tone serious, "you do believe me that I won't run."

Nas was getting the isotope ready and the ankle monitor was already in place.

"Yes," Jane said, "I do believe you. But you understand why we have to do this."

Rich nodded. "Yeah," he said, "I know that. I'm not asking that you don't do it. But I just want you to know that I am all in. I am committed to this. I would never abandon you or Kurt. Not right now. I promise."

Jane smiled fondly at him, genuinely shocked at his admission. "Than you, Rich," she said.

"Now it's your turn to promise something," Rich said.

"Ok," Jane said, "as long as it isn't-"

"Be careful out there," Rich said seriously, "be careful and bring Kurt back."

Jane nodded. She was not expecting any of that from Rich. "I promise," she whispered.

"And one more thing," Rich said.

"What?"

"When you get back, you get straight to making many many many babies."

Jane shook her head, "and he's back," she mumbled. She shook her head and walked away.

"Promise me, Jane," Rich pretended to call after her dramatically, "promise me!"

* * *

"Shepherd!" Kurt yelled out as he closed in on the escaping terrorist, "STOP!"

He was unarmed and running blindly after her, but there was no way he was going to wait. "There's no where for you to go! Just stop!"

He was still about fifty meters behind her, but suddenly, she stopped. "I'm not going to prison, Kurt," she said, slowly turning around to look at him.

"I'm pretty sure you don't have much of a choice right now," he said, "we have the place surrounded."

"This is not how it was supposed to end," she said.

And then she pulled out a gun.

And she took a step towards him; her gun pointed straight at Kurt. "But I do still have you," she said as she took another step forward.

"You're not getting away with this," he said and quickly launched himself at her, managing to disarm her. But Shepherd was not going down without a fight. And Shepherd knew how to fight. With a couple of moves, she manages to get out of Kurt's hold, and just as quickly, she pulled a knife from her boot and had her arm wrapped around Kurt's neck, blade pressed firmly against his jugular. "Do you think the FBI will give me a deal in return to sparing their precious Kurt Weller?"

"PUT IT DOWN!" it was Jane, walking carefully towards them, gun raised and aimed at Shepherd. "Hello, Jane," Shepherd said, "it's so nice of you to join us."

"Put the knife down," Jane repeated, "drop it. Get down on your knees. Put your hand behind your head."

"Now, now," Shepherd said, "is that a way to talk to your mother?"

"You're not-" Jane started but then forced herself to stop, to focus on what was happening now, not to let Shepherd manipulate her.

"I said, put it down," she repeated, "you know I can make the shot."

"Of course you can make," Shepherd said, her voice still calm, "I would be terribly disappointed if you don't."

"Then put it do-"

"And I'm sure you know that I could still cause enough damage to his jugular for you to require two body bags," Shepherd replied.

Jane looked at Kurt, locking her gaze with his. They both knew she was not lying.

"Put the gun down, Jane," Shepherd said.

She kept her eyes fixed on Kurt, and he shook his head, the same way he'd done that first day they were out in the field, when Chao had a knife to his throat and Jane had her gun on Chao.

So much had happened since then.

She kept her eyes on Kurt and understood what he was telling her. He wanted her to take the shot, that no matter what, taking Shepherd down as the main objective, even it meant Shepherd would take him down with her.

Kurt was ready to sacrifice his life for the cause.

But Jane wasn't. She wasn't ready to do that. She was not ready to lose him.

"Put it down, Jane," Shepherd repeated, and when Jane wouldn't look at her, when she wouldn't put her gun down, she pressed the knife just a little closer. And Kurt flinched. Shepherd smirked, "if you love him, you'll put that gun down."

A single tear rolled down Jane's cheek. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her eyes still locked with Kurt's, "I'm so sorry."

And she tightened her grip on the gun, just for a moment, before she brought it down and let it fall to the ground next to her.

"Well, isn't that adorable," Shepherd said, "who would have thought that you wou-"

BANG!

The single gun shot echoed loudly and then everything went dead silent. The knife against Kurt's neck fell, and then slowly, so slowly, Shepherd turned around, blood staining her shoulder, and looked behind her at the shooter.

"Roman?"

The young man stood just a few meters behind her, gun still raised and aimed at his mother.

"My sweet Roman," Shepherd said as she fell back and hit the ground with a thud.

Jane picked up her gun and quickly ran towards Shepherd and Kurt, going to her knees and kneeling above Shepherd next to Kurt. They both watched as Roman took another step forward, gun still pointed at Shepherd. "Why'd you do it?" Roman asked, his eyes red and puffy, hers falling down his face.

"Why'd I do what?" Shepherd asked, her breathing becoming heavy and tired, failing to notice that both Kurt and Jane had their hands pressed against her gun shot wound, controlling the bleeding.

"Why'd you wipe my memory? Why'd you do this to me?"

Shepherd looked at him in shock, and then she turned to Jane. She smiled. And then, she turned back to Roman. "I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't have any other choice. I didn't know how else to help you. It was the only way to take away your pain."

She turned to Kurt then, and she whispered, "you were wrong about one thing," she said, "I do love my children."

Roman took one more step towards her, still aiming his gun. But a moment later, Shepherd's eyes closed and she lost consciousness. "It's ok, Roman," Jane said, "you can put the gun down now."

* * *

"You could've made that shot," Kurt said as he walked slowly towards her.

Things had been crazy after they got Shepherd, but now that she was finally on her way to the hospital, everyone felt they could breathe for a moment. Jane was standing next to the fallen tree, the same one Shepherd had taken Kurt to when they first arrived.

"I could've," she agreed as she turned around towards him, "but you wouldn't be standing here now."

Kurt smiled and nodded appreciatively. "How's Roman?" he asked.

"He'll be fine," she said, "it was all a little bit overwhelming. But he's better now. He's with Tasha and Patterson right now."

"Good," he said.

He closed the distance between them and came to stand next to her, shoulder to shoulder, as they looked out towards the the large estate as the sun was setting. In any other situation, it would have been quite the romantic setting.

"And how are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she said, turning to him briefly to give him a confident nod, "I guess it'll take some time for it all to sink in. After everything we've been through…"

"I know what you mean," he said, "it's been quite a day."

"It's been quite a year," she said and they both chuckled.

"That's for sure," he agreed.

They stood silently for a few minutes, and then she turned around to notice that it was slowly getting more and more empty. All of Shepherd's men had been taken away and crime scene units were going over every inch of the house and the surrounding structures. "Do you want to head back?" she asked, "I think the team are ready to gather up and leave."

He turned around to have a look himself and then turned back to look at her. "Yeah," he said, "not just yet."

"Ok," she replied.

"There's one more thing," he said, his voice dropping, "about what happened out there with-"

Jane shook her head, "Kurt, you don't need to-"

"No, I do," he said, "I've spent the last hour trying to come up with the right things to say and how to-"

"Please, Kurt, you don't need to," Jane whispered, her head dropping against her chest.

"Will you please let me finish," Kurt urged her.

Jane nodded, but still, she would not look at him.

"I don't know if you put your gun back there because Shepherd was right or because… and I don't care if…"

He suddenly stopped talking, and if he wasn't already making Jane nervous, he was then. She finally looked up at him and found him staring at her.

"I love you, Jane," he said suddenly, "and I understand if you do-"

And in a split second, she'd thrown herself into his arms, holding onto him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her even closer. She looked up at him, and before he could say anything, she was kissing him.

"I love you, too," she whispered against his lips, when she pulled back just long enough to say those words before it was his turn to kiss her.

* * *

 _Three Months Later_

It was a special kind of prison in which they kept people like Shepherd. She knew too much and had done too much, but in a weird twisted way, she was still a valuable asset for the US government. She would never be a free woman again, but she would still be in one way or another, serving her country.

She didn't get many visitors, though. The peculiarity of her situation made her existence top secret, with only those with the highest clearances in the know. And there was one person who was allowed to visit her; her handler.

She was enjoying the bright and warm spring sunshine in the small yard when he came to visit her. It was only his third visit and something about this one felt a little less formal. The first two were all about signing all the paperwork and determining the frameworks of her new situation. But when he walked out into the yard, hands free of any files or documents, she knew he wanted to talk about something else this time.

"The alliance wants to thank you," he said as he walked up behind her.

She closed her eyes and smiled as the warm rays of sun hit her her face. "They sure do have a funny way of showing it," Shepherd replied, turning around to face him.

"You knew how this could end from the day you signed up," he said.

"I sure do, Director Pellington," Shepherd said, walking closer to the man who'd recruited her; the man who'd always been her handler, "if I'm not mistaken your exact words were, there are only two ways this could end. When you've completed your mission, you'll either be in a body bag or an orange jumpsuit. Neither the Alliance nor the government will ever confirm a word you would say."

"You've got a good memory, Agent Briggs," Pellington said.

He looked around the small yard for a moment, "well, I'm off," he said, "if you need anything just ask your Monday afternoon guard. He's one of us."

"Wait," she called after him, "can I ask you something?"

"Ok," Pellington said, "I can't promise an answer though."

Shepherd nodded, "what's going to happen to Roman and Remi?"

"They'll be fine," he said, "I can't say more."

"And Weller?" She asked, knowing she was pushing her luck now.

"His card is still in the game."

For the first time in her life, Shepherd fell a chill run through her. She nodded. "Will you make sure he… it's just… can you-"

"Don't worry Agent Briggs," Pellington said, a dark menacing smirk forming on his lips, "we're quite capable of taking care of our star pupil. After all, he's still the face of the franchise. And we're only just getting started."


End file.
